HIGH SCHOOL LOVE.

I’ve been hurt five times because I’ve tried to protect them and protect myself as well. Gustong gusto kong i-express yung sarili ko sa kanila, pero dahil ayaw ko silang magstruggle, pinigilan ko ang sarili ko, kaso anong ginawa nila? Iniwan lang ako sa ere. Mahirap na saken ang magtiwala at maniwala. Feeling ko, lahat ng lalake pare-pareho, MGA PAASA.

Nagsimula lahat sa chat, tapos sa txt, tapos sabay na kaming maglunch, hanggang sa nagkikita na kame sa labas ng opis. Crush ko lang siya at alam kong hanggang dun lang yun, pero nagugulat ako ngayon dahil numenext level na! Mukhang naffall na ako sa mokong..haha! XD

Di ko alam kung char siya, ang hirap niya kasing basahin. Or baka kasi mahirap na nga saken ang maniwala. Pero umeeffort siya e, kaya tuloy lagi akong kinikilig..bwahahaha!  XD Masaya ako pag kasama ko siya, hindi ko kelangan magpretend na malakas ako, dahil ang totoo, mahina ako. He always make me feel special and beautiful, lalo na pag hinuhug niya ako at kinikiss sa noo..hihi :”> Sobrang appreciated ko ang pagiging babae ko dahil sa kanya..haha! XD Although alam kong mali kasi una, hindi siya Christian, tapos hindi pa nga kami naghoholding hands na tska may hug at kiss pa, ang bilis lungs.. :( Pero masaya ako e, at sana masaya din siya. Natatakot ako, kasi baka ma-fall ako ng tuluyan, pero sabi ko nga, MASAYA AKO. Yun naman ang importante diba, ang maging masaya.. :)

All I want and all I long for is to love and to be loved back. Ayaw ko ng masaktan, ayaw ko ng pigilan ang sarili ko, so I’ll loosen up and I’ll be who I am.

THIRDY.

His smell, his touch, his kiss, I can’t resist. I am happy when I’m with him coz I am more like me. I don’t have to pretend that I’m strong, I don’t have to keep my feelings. But what if he’s like them? I AM AFRAID TO TRUST NOW. I’m afraid that when I’m about to give my heart, he’ll leave me just like everybody else had done.

HOW LONG CAN I STAND?

He told me that he’s not okay. If I could just go where he is that time, I would do so and I would comfort him. I’m not feeling okay as well, but I still want to cheer him up more than I want to cheer myself. It’s been three days since he texted me, and the agony just keeps on getting worse. I like him and I’ve been praying for him, but I can’t stand this kind of set up anymore. All I want is a little time from him. I’ve been exerting a lot of effort but he’s not responding.

Am I being selfish? Should I still understand him? I don’t know what to do. It feels like the same thing is gonna happen. Is he going to leave me hanging on air just like what others have done? Am I going to be hurt this time again?

I don’t want to overreact. Maybe he just need time and space to ponder on what’s going on with his life right now. I don’t know. But as long as I can understand him, I will understand him. And as long as I can pray for him, I will pray for him.

Lord, I leave everything unto Your hands. I’ve already surrendered him and my feelings for him to You, so let Your will be done and not mine.

(PHOTOCREDIT)

Patiently I’ll wait.

SWEET SURRENDER.

“ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Is it already love? I am an expressive person and I always express how I feel especially when I’m in love. But now, I’m learning how to keep my feelings to myself. It’s hard coz I’m not like this. My love language is to express, but I’m refraining myself to do it. I want to tell him how I feel, how I terribly miss him, how I want to be with him but I can’t coz it’s not right. Sometimes I tend to send him a message and tell him that I miss him, hoping that he’ll tell me the same, but there’ll be no reply.

He seldom txt me these past few days and that makes me sad. He’s been always busy. I know, and I have to understand. But I’m not used to this set up. I don’t know how long will I stand this. Why would I continue to understand him if there’s no string attached between us? We’re not boyfriends and girlfriends at all. Then I came upon 1 Corinthians 13. I don’t know if it’s love that I feel right now, but the whole chapter really struck me, especially verses 4-7.

I was reminded of my prayer Christmas eve last year. I’ve thanked God for him because I know that he was a gift. I don’t know if we will be together, but I’ll continue to pray for him.

Maybe I’m just emotionally, physically and mentally stressed, and dealing with all of these stress is so hard! >.< Maybe these are all part of growing up and a reminder that I’m a kid no more. God is bringing me to the next level because He knows that I’m ready to face tougher challenges in life.

Haay BIGDAD, I’m tired of all these stress and so I surrender everything unto you. I surrender him, I surrender my heart, I surrender every part of my life. I’m letting go of all my plans and dreams. Let Your will be done Father.

(PHOTOCREDIT)

Someday falling in love with you 
Holding your hand 
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue 
I’ll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon
-Someday Soon by Francesca Battistelli

I’VE ASKED GOD WHY.

I was scanning my journal this year 2011 then I’ve seen my posts about those guys whom I’ve fell in love with and I was ewwwwing the whole time! XD And then I’ve asked God why He let me meet those jerks. Why did He let them hurt me? Why did He let me fall in love with them and why did He allow them to be a part of my life? Why didn’t He just let “Romeo” come so I wouldn’t feel the pain of being left hanging in the air and being hurt over and over again? Why did He let me cry for so many nights? Why did He let me struggle emotionally? Why didn’t He just give me what I wanted? He didn’t answer directly; He just let me realize this: If I wouldn’t feel pain, how would I know that He’s my comforter? If I wouldn’t feel sadness, how would I know that He’s my joy-giver? If I wouldn’t be hurt, how would I know that His love is more than enough?

Sweet endings came from bitter beginnings. Isn’t it more rewarding to get the things you’ve wanted after working and praying hard for it? It’s like, you’ve thought you’ll never get those and you’ve almost lose hope, and then suddenly, God will give it you because you’ve been patient and faithful. That’s how I feel right now. I never thought that this moment would come, I never thought that a guy like him still exists, though not the one I’ve wanted, but the one I’ve been praying for. I know it’s still early to tell if he’s the prince I’ve been waiting but I do hope that it’s really him.

God works in mysterious ways. Though we can’t understand why or how, His ways are perfect and for our good (Romans 8:28) I know that God is not done with me yet, and greater things are soon to come. It’s just a matter of trust and faith and hope.. :)

LET THE LOVE BEGIN.

December 23, 2011 at around 9pm, the revelation happened.

He expressed himself last night, finally, I’ve heard it straight from him.. :”> Though it wasn’t the scene I’ve expected, it was the happiest night of my life this 2011..haha! XD

I almost lose hope that I wouldn’t meet someone different, different from those guys who had hurt me. Then he came and suddenly, all my fears disappeared. Maybe because I’ve heard the assurance from him.. :)

It’s JESUS’ birthday but it’s HE who gave gifts to me. And he’s one of the gifts I’ve received this Christmas. I do hope that he’s the prince I’ve been waiting for, the “Romeo” that I’ve been praying for so long.. :”> ♥♥♥

Good things come to those who know how to wait, let the LOVE begin.

TERRIFIED.

I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of what might happen. I’m afraid to trust him, and not just him but to trust all other guys. What if he’s just the same as with those guys who had left me hangin’ on air? What if he doesn’t really have romantic feelings for me? I’m terrified because I assume much, I expect much. I’m terrified because I fall fast, I fall easy, I am weak, I am vulnerable, I am emotional.

I hate this, I hate being a girl. I hate going through all of these drama! T.T </3

BIGDADDY, You know how I feel right now. You know my situation, You can see me, You can understand me. Lord, You knew how many times I’ve fallen and got hurt. I don’t want to experience that anymore. I’m tired of crying and I’m tired of getting hurt. I don’t want that time will come that I’ll hate LOVE because You’ve created it, and YOU are LOVE. Help me not to focus on my emotions but to fix my eyes on YOU. Help me to guard my heart and if this is not yet the right time for love, then please, don’t let me fall. Let Your will be done in my life Father and not mine. I know how much You love me BIGDAD, and I know that You will never fail me.. :’) AMEN.